Religious Experience as Hands Reach Private Parts

With all the recent headlines about disgruntled air passengers and the highly invasive physical screenings by Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) inspectors, we at Humor Volcano had to weigh in with our usual twisted view. When we wondered if any group might not find the public gropings annoying, a new article was born.  Here’s the opening paragraph of Humor Volcano’s most recent spoof news story.

BEAVER PAW, Ore. — “Oh my. Oooohhhh. Oh, Jesus! Praise the Lord! Hallelujah! Oh God…oh God…OH GOD!” Trembling hands clutched to her suddenly heaving chest, Sister Nevva Haddenny collapsed to her knees as soon as the TSA agent’s pat-down reached the nun’s groin area.

Get the full Nun Orgasm story here.

Loses Job, But “Well Worth It”

Heated college football rivalries can lead to some pretty outrageous things. Humor Volcano just published my spoof news article of one such incident in the area where I grew up, describing a particularly outrageous marching band halftime performance.

Here are a few lines from that article:

With military precision, the [band] then fanned out across the field to spell out, in rapid succession, the words LET’S…MASTER…STATE. Huge cheer from the partisan … fans.

The [marchers] then scattered, only to quickly coalesce into the shocking outline of a 60-yard long erect penis and scrotum with dozens of all-white-clad majorettes twirling inside. In the area surrounding the titanic penis shaft, more … marchers then moved to form the shape of a grasping hand. Screams from the stands.

Keeping in perfect time with the sensuous music, the giant hand began to move. Back and forth, crisscrossing the field. Slowly at first, then faster, faster, and faster still. The crowd roared.

Maybe you can guess the rest. If not, read the full article here.

It’s the 2010 NFL season’s mid-point, and the biggest story so far is the Dallas Cowboys horror show leading to their 1-7 record and leaving Dallas fans totally humiliated and embarrassed. In related spoof news articles I’ve just written, I’ve taken looks at how the Cowboys swoon has led to riches for the Texas brown paper bag industry.

In the first, published at The Bleacher Report, bag makers use their newfound wealth to buy the team, thereby ensuring steady Cowboy mediocrity and enormous bag demand. In the second, published on Humor Volcano, the Mob has found brown bags to be a lucrative new area for them to apply their usual talents.

Here’s a few lines common to both articles:

Texas grocers no longer even bother to ask, “Paper or plastic?,” because they already know the answer. “Paper. Make it a double.”

Not only do Dallas Cowboys supporters now attend games with two brown paper bags over their heads, they don’t even bother to cut out eye holes anymore. Just a small straw hole for copious pain-numbing alcohol self-medication.

Assaulted at Mailbox

Just wrote a new political satire article for HumorVolcano.com. I won’t give away the punch line now, so you’ll have to read the article here.

Employee Deaths Plummet

Those of you who’ve ever felt the need to “go postal” at work may enjoy the new spoof news article I just wrote for Humor Volcano. Here’s a snippet:

Patented earlier this year, the Workplace Scream Room® is designed to withstand even the most hysterical employee meltdown with complete safety and no external disruption, and comes in 6 soothing colors. Totally soundproof, the Scream Room is the brainchild of often laid off auto engineer Joost Kolm-Downe. And thanks to recent behavioral research, which proved that high-volume cursing massively reduces stress, Kolm-Downe’s Workplace Scream Room® hit the marketplace with perfect timing.

Get the full story here.

Selects Improbable Chatroom Spokesman

Let’s see…how to comment on mankind’s barbaric killings in the name of religion? Of course! Have God raise hell on Chat Roulette! Now, how to make it funny, or at least entertaining, at the same time?

Hmmm. What do people frequently see on Chat Roulette? Masturbating men (so I’m told). Brilliant! God speaks to a man wearing a push-up bra and crotchless panties on Chat Roulette for his pre-night-night wank.

Here’s a brief excerpt from such an article I just published on Humor Volcano.

“Then He got really angry. Said, ‘I’m really pissed about all the shit you people are pulling in the name of religion. All that killing and maiming. Those are perfectly good souls you’re wasting. What the fuck are you people thinking?’ I guess if you’re God, you can swear all you want,” Salott continued.

Read the full outrageous article here.

Emu Spinoff Industries Also Soar

The government does something right! The state’s economic development office brought emus to Dover Downs, and now Delaware is awash in cash and jobs. Happy, happy, joy, joy!

Oh wait, I just woke up. Only a dream. Sigh.

Here’s an excerpt from the emu economy article I just wrote for HumorVolcano.com:

Delaware celebrated its emu-centric boom yesterday in the state’s all-time biggest public spectacle — the emu racing season ending Delaware Doodah Derby — attended by 140,000 frenzied fans and a rapt international television audience estimated at 12 billion. Surpassing even the Kentucky Derby in pompous pomposity, yesterday afternoon Dover Downs was THE place to be and be seen.

Celebrity sightings included Lady Gaga, resplendent in a brilliant pink emu feather boa, matching emu tongue mono-kini, and emu leather go-go boots, as well as The Situation, oozing class in his black emu hide top hat, bow tie, G-string, and emu leg cane. Oprah, to her great shock and chagrin, however, was shooed away at the gate for both want of a ticket and shameful lack of emu paraphernalia.

Read the entire emu economic madness article here.

Scrawny CPA Father Ecstatic

I just wrote and published this very silly spoof news story on HumorVolcano.com. An über-nerdy father is really worried that his equally nerdy son will grow up to be just like him. Imagine the father’s joy upon learning that the son has contracted jock itch.  Here’s an excerpt:

Then Sirvay [the father] noticed Simon [the son] rubbing his crotch area several times around the house over the past weekend. Late Sunday afternoon, it hit him square in the nads. “Oh my god! He’s playing non-stop with his pee-pee!,” Sirvay thought in horror, shamefully recalling his own perverted adolescence.

In a total panic, the elder Csez wrestled Simon into their Certified Pre-Owned BMW and screeched off to the hospital emergency room.

Read the full story here.

C-SPAN Brainchild Sweeps Nation

I just wrote a wild political satire article for Humor Volcano. Here’s a brief summary:

The hottest craze in entertainment these days is C-SPAN’s new Political Scandal Fantasy League®. Seeking to gain from the popularity of sports fantasy leagues, their political scandal focus is already a runaway success.

With points assigned daily for each Capitol Hill member’s egregious personal misconduct and red-faced meltdowns, the league provides a never-ending source of the ultimate in entertainment.

With mid-term elections just a few weeks away, the action is sure to get even hotter. Join the league today!

Read all the details here on HumorVolcano.com.

Stunning Result of Primary Election

Ultra-right-wing Tea Party activists blasted their way onto the Delaware political landscape last week with their surprising rout of “mainstream establishment” Republican candidates Mike Castle and Michelle Rollins. The entire braintrust of the First State’s Republican Party now lies in a reeking, shattered heap at the foot of the white cliffs of Dover, callously tossed off by Christine O’Donnell and her Tea Party supporters.

Satiric spoof news website HumorVolcano.com filed this report. Here’s an excerpt from that article describing the election’s aftermath:

Despite the Tea Party’s astounding and unlikely Republican Primary win, Democrats are wisely taking O’Donnell and her far-right fringe-element supporters dead serious before the November main elections. So serious, in fact, that the radical Tea Party movement has now been revealed as the true reason behind President Obama’s early, vast troop pullout from Iraq.

Much as the Taliban and Al-Qaida terrorized and disrupted elections in Iraq, so do U.S. Democrats fear a Tea Party-led scorched-earth campaign of destruction and intimidation in our own mid-term elections. American troops just back from the violent Middle East now face the equally formidable task of maintaining peace in our own unsettled nation.

Read the full article at the link above.