Dumb Criminals Afflicted by Gold Fever Outbreak Says Fake News Site Humor Volcano

Madness and incredible stupidity in those stricken

Here’s the opening to my satiric comedy article just published on Humor Volcano:

ATLANTA – Hot on the heels of the nation’s deadly swine flu outbreak comes yet another potential scourge, gold fever, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control (CDC). This disease, known for centuries and marked by sporadic outbreaks, has no cure or preventive vaccine, in contrast to swine flu, and its mode of transmission remains a mystery. What is well known, however, is that gold fever produces madness and outright criminal stupidity in those afflicted. Local authorities report that a number of serious gold fever cases have recently been confirmed in the metro area.

Fred C. Dobbs of Pyrite, Nevada was caught last Monday at 2 a.m. by sheriff’s deputies behind the Richland Mall’s Toyz Emporium store tossing Goldilocks dolls into the back of his SUV through a shattered stockroom door. Upon searching Dobbs’ vehicle, police also suspiciously found four pairs of ultra-sharp scissors, razors, and a stack of ‘Cash For Gold’ envelopes. While alarmed officers initially feared a Nazi skin-head link, subsequent investigation revealed gold fever as the probable cause.

Read the full Gold Fever article here.

Scientific Proof Why Men Stray: Breaking news on Humor Volcano satiric comedy site

Dick-brain can dominate male behavior, can be overcome

Here’s the beginning of my article on Humor Volcano:

FALLAS, TX –Although it had long been suspected, it had never been scientifically proven. Until now. Men think with their dicks. Not all of the time, fortunately. But under certain circumstances, the dick-brain does become dominant and can lead men tragically astray. So say researchers here at Longfellow University. More importantly, their results predict that very simple steps can overcome dick-brain dominance and should keep men happily at home.

Dr. T.T. Goodhead, Principal Investigator at LU’s Center of Disgusting Behaviors, announced her group’s exciting research results at a Roaming Horndog symposium this afternoon. Right off the bat, Dr. Goodhead gravely confirmed that the anecdotal evidence of dick-brain control over men’s behavior is substantial. “Clinton, Edwards, Sanford, Spitzer, and Phillips, to name a very few public figures, each one a happily married family man, were all caught with their pants down, so to speak, in illicit affairs.” The obvious question, “Why?” spurred Dr. Goodhead’s entry into the field. “What causes otherwise intelligent, rational men to stray from their spouses and their solemn marriage vows? We had to find out,” she said.

Read the study’s details and prevention conclusion here.

Fake news, satiric comedy website Humor Volcano reports simple strategies to CEO riches

Here’s a condensed version of my Humor Volcano article just published:

While most Americans say they’re shocked, shocked, over the egregious CEO pay practices, a few determined individuals nevertheless salaciously seek to sneak in on such ill-gotten CEO riches themselves.

One petite, plucky, peon pod, all wannabe multimillionaires of uncertain intellect, firmly believes that simply having ‘CEO’ attached to one’s name automatically equates to unspeakable riches. Following this breathtakingly brilliant logic, dozens of people across the country changed their last names to ‘Ceo’. These name-changers, having legally become Joe Schmo Ceo and Jane Doe Ceo, for instance, now sit smugly at home, eagerly expecting those automatic million dollar checks to roll in any day now.

Another hapless, hankering horde of a hundred or so, having a bit more education and business savvy, is confidently pursuing disgusting levels of wealth by becoming bona fide CEOs themselves. Each of these geniuses needed only dream up a new company name, file for a business license, and pay the $100 fee. Duly licensed, these suddenly legitimate business owners then assigned themselves the coveted, almighty CEO job title and got the business cards printed to prove it. These freshly minted executives sit at home, cozy in their Barcaloungers, waiting for the Brinks trucks to back into their driveways and disgorge the millions of dollars due to all “proper” CEOs.

Given such incredibly low cost, quick, easy ways of legally becoming a CEO, it’s amazing that so few Americans have yet pursued these steps toward a CEO life of certain luxury. Of course, with this public disclosure, no doubt millions of unhappy, underpaid, and overworked underlings will wisely take the CEO plunge and begin living the American dream in earnest themselves.

Read the entire CEO Riches article here.

Mob Now Top U.S. Organic Chemist Employer After Big Pharma Whacks Jobs

“Crystal meth better than ever,” reports Humor Volcano website

Here’s a condensed version of my article on satire, fake news site Humor Volcano:

No one has been happier watching the recent widespread terminations in the pharmaceutical industry than the Mob. Over the past few years, tens of thousands of highly educated and skilled drug company organic chemists, the ones in the lab who actually make the active drug ingredients, have been coldly and callously dumped in the gutter for any number of dubious reasons. Lacking other legitimate job opportunities, most have now moved underground into Mob-run, clandestine methamphetamine labs. “After a full year unemployed, it was either take a worthless minimum wage job and give my hard-earned lab skills the kiss of death, or come here to Goodfellas Industries. What a total no-brainer,” said ‘Big Bang’ Bob, formerly of Bristol-Myers.

With so many top-notch chemists currently making the nation’s crystal meth supply at GI, the quality and quantity of this wildly popular illicit drug has never been higher. Even the authorities are pleased with these developments. Saint Corleone’s emergency room physician Dr. Timothy Leary told us, “We used to get lotsa ODs and stiffs in here every week ‘cause of the low-grade, really crappy meth people were takin’. Now we don’t get nobodies. Gotta be some awesome sh#t on the streets for that to happen. Thanks, youse Pharma wiseguys, for whackin’ all them chemists. Now they’re makin’ our streets safer, and my job easier. Capiche?”

Al Capone, Goodfellas’ Chief Financial Officer, summed up the current situation. “We don’t know nuthin’, nuthin’, ‘bout why the Big Pharma Boys keep cuttin’ the lab jockeys loose, but we’ll take ‘em all. These chemists are the best thing for us since the Tommy Gun, not that I know anything about that, of course. Our business is growin’ gangbusters. We’re happier than hookers at a TV preachers’ convention.”

Read full Mob Top Chemist Employer article here.

Trick or Treat as Economists Declare Recession Over?

Satire site Humor Volcano reports scariest Halloween costume is 2009 economist

excerpt from my article on Humor Volcano:

FRIGHTLANDER, WI – As Halloween again approaches, there’s one costume already scaring the bejeezus out of anyone who encounters it: the 2009 economist. At first glance, it’s a mild-mannered, geeky accountant. But further inspection suggests it’s actually the Grim Reaper, with a deep hood for hiding the face, chains and bones around the torso, and razor-sharp scythe for the other hand.

Already this week several “economists,” these numbers-spouting creatures from the bowels of the deep, have forced their way into U.S. newspaper headlines eerily claiming, “The recession is over. The recession is over.” Dare we believe them? Or are they merely sick, twisted, hideous individuals out to inflict pain and suffering in the spirit of Halloween?

A sulfur-reeking agent of the dark side economist may one day quite soon come knocking at your front door, insisting “It’s finally safe to come out and play,” and that “The time has come to invest everything you have in the stock market again. Trick or treat.”

Oh the horror.

Read the full article here.

Outrageous Behavior Axes Scumbag TV Host in satire article

Fake news website Humor Volcano reports the sordid details

Here’s a condensed version of my article on Humor Volcano:

SHADY DEPTHS, CA – Wave Betterman, the immensely popular host of television’s raunchiest show, American Scumbag, stunned his national audience at the end of last night’s program by announcing that he had just been fired for egregious behavior. While choking back tears, Betterman closed the show by admitting that he had blatantly failed to conduct himself up to Scumbag standards.

Scumbag producer Jack Splatt commented afterward, “Betterman, of all people, knows very well what Scumbag means. Adultery, rape, bribes, violence, lies, corruption, and more from politicians, celebrities, clergy, and business leaders, all broadcast in graphic detail. And we’ve always delivered. Until Betterman on Saturday, that is.”

When pressed for details, Splatt revealed that Betterman, disturbingly, had a long history of aberrant behavior, of doing the right thing, of acting morally and honestly. “What if everybody did that? We wouldn’t have a show. Scumbag lives by its ratings.”

During the Scumbag taping Saturday night in Miami Beach, Betterman was interviewing six scantily clad young women in a hot tub whom he thought were there to entice a local celebrity into a sex orgy. As Wave, sharply dressed in his Armani business suit, questioned them from the tub’s exterior, the ladies playfully tossed their tops aside and invited him to join them for a little underwater hanky-panky before the celeb arrived. But Betterman, married for ten years and the father of three little girls, to everyone’s complete shock and disappointment, declined to jump in. He instead claimed to have developed a migraine headache and said he couldn’t go on. Although he hadn’t known it, Betterman was actually the celebrity target that evening. However, he hadn’t taken the bait to become a Scumbag low-life sleaze-bucket superstar himself. That was the final straw.

So last night, American Scumbag high honchos unceremoniously axed Betterman for conduct detrimental to the show as the hot tub clip aired nationwide. Faced with the damning evidence, during the show’s live wrap-up immediately afterward, the visibly shaken Betterman took full blame for his firing, admitting that his actions did not live up to the utter depravity demanded on Scumbag.

Read the full Scumbag TV Host article here.

Fake news comedy site Humor Volcano exposes titillating soccer story

New women’s league figures to attract eye-popping crowds

Excerpt from Humor Volcano article:

TWIN PEAKS, AZ – Having long groped for ways to stimulate fan interest in women’s soccer in the United States, spokesperson Bubba Feelgood of the Blueball Soccer Association of America yesterday announced the launch of a new 12-team women’s topless soccer league to begin play this Saturday.

“All Americans know that soccer itself is incredibly boring, so we’ve had to make a few major changes to the sport to seriously pump up the wow factor,” Bubba disclosed. “First, standard player uniform will be only thongs, shoes, and socks. Second, we’re playing indoors on a much fan-friendlier, smaller field. And third, we’re eliminating goalies.”

Feelgood practically gushed, “Nothing grabs attention better than sex, so what could be better to attract sports fans than a field full of topless, athletic women?  Plus, the smaller, arena-football-sized fields will bring the titillating action up close and personal to the fans, making them an intimate part of play. And finally, the goalies had to go because Americans demand frequent scoring. Goalies are like condoms, they really kill the fun, so we’re getting rid of them.”

The players vow to deliver the goods and the best bang for the entertainment dollar come Saturday.

Read the full Topless Soccer article here.

Comedy satire site Humor Volcano reports passage of financial reform bill

Banking, Wall Street Reform Bill Passes, Arms Customers

Excerpt from my article on Humor Volcano:

WASHINGTON, DC – Chalk one up for the NRA, the little guy, and his little friend. The bill, elegant in its simplicity, consists of only one sentence, a record for U.S. government:

Customers and clients of all United States financial and investment enterprises are hereby permitted to possess openly displayed, loaded personal firearms during the normal course of doing business at these institutions.

The bill’s crafters predict that, by allowing John and Jane Q. Public to pack heat while sitting across the table from the Bernie Madoffs of this world, the likelihood of future unsavory or shady financial transactions will plummet.

Next up on Capitol Hill: firearms and health insurance debate.

Read the full article here.

Satiric Fake News Comedy Site Humor Volcano Reports on Country Music Changes

Response to link of depressing country lyrics to high suicide rate, lowered sales

excerpt from article:

WINCHESTER, TENN. – Scared as a long-tailed cat on a porch full of rocking chairs that a big dad-gum reduction in sales figures was conclusively tied to skyrocketing suicide rates among its loyal listeners, the country music industry recently vowed to attack this horrific problem with all guns blazing. Although the link of country music popularity with a high suicide rate has been reported for many years in the mental health field, scant attention has ever been paid by country’s songwriters and singers themselves. Until one year ago, that is, when the mother-of-all-recessions combined with increasingly depressing and dreary country song lyrics to begin to induce listeners to seek that hoedown in the sky in record numbers.

The solution to this grave problem was as obvious to country’s leaders as a hound dog in cowboy boots.  Write new songs with upbeat lyrics and happy endings. Or else.

Early attempts, rapidly and wisely discarded, included such titles as:

• Glad I Got Fired From That Stinkin’Job
• Feeling Great in This Ditch With a Black Eye
• Crazy in Love (With My New Hemi-Truck)
• Been Savin’ Big Bucks Since He’s Gone to Prison
• No Job, No Money, No Problem, Cuz I’ve Lost Weight

Despite these failures, lyricists still swear to write happy songs or die trying.

Get the whole story here.

Satiric comedy site Humor Volcano takes on tree-huggers

Fake news humor article that ultra-green environmentalists want toilet paper ban

excerpt:

NEW YORK CITY – Militant ecological activist groups Greenpeas and Nutty Tree Zealots today held a joint protest in Central Park demanding a complete worldwide ban on toilet paper. An angry throng of some 500 nature lovers massed in an open grassy area and vehemently railed against the heinous slaughter of the millions upon millions of beautiful, pure, innocent trees annually used to make the ubiquitous disposable tissue rolls. The irate horde then stunned curious onlookers by collectively dropping their pants and defecating en masse on the lush green lawn. They then proceeded to wipe themselves with whatever Mother Nature had kindly provided nearby, fallen leaves, pine cones, bird feathers, dead squirrel tails, and even the coattails of passed-out winos.

More sordid details here.